Horrifying if literal: armchairs
You Might Also Like
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
#SaturdayBears
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.