I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
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When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
good let them take over I have had enough
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.