I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
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Me too door. Me too.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet