Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
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the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
sleeping beauty
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
*Seductively hides in the woods
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.