You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
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I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building