I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
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Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I think about this a lot
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*