How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
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*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]