[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
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Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”