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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.