Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
You Might Also Like
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
These aliens are taking forever.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?