I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma