Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
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Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.