fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
You Might Also Like
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
termite twitter scares me
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.