I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
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Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena