*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH