Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
My birthstone is kidney
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Squirrels before girls.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Time heals everything 🙂
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.