[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
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I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?