Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
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her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
AM I BEING GASLIT????
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.