[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
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Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
What’s this sorcery? 😂
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.