Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
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Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.