Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
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nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.