Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
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You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
are there any atheist mantises?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
all that yoga finally paid off
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers