A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Only Americans understand
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.