Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
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NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Terribly Tuesday.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.