I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
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Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?