“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
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“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Kentucky names the shit out of places
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster