[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan