Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
CUTE CAT‼︎
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Only Americans understand
Don’t make me out nice you.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up