Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Looking at you, Jesus.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what