DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
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Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you