Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
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My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.