friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
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My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
CRYING
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.