how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
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Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
checking out some reviews of my local library
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.