Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
my first day as a raccoon