Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
You Might Also Like
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
The happy life.. 😊
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*