“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
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Lmao
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.