My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Comparing yourself to others
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.