I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
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In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
How times have changed.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Breaking news:
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.