My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Who needs an Air Fryer?
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok