[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Everything reminds me of my ex
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
waiting for halloween be like:
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?