MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”