[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Does beer think about me too?