I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
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WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Ladies, why y’all do this?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?