What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.