Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
i’m sure it’s fine
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”