[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
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“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
#catsoftwitter
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.