I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
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[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
the clam before the storm
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
my one true gender
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged