Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
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I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
peep davidson