I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
i will not be silenced
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3