men, we mow at sunrise.
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The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it